7 very easy ways to ruin the Riviera

Seven cagades, all extremely popular. The Riviera will survive your bad decisions. Your day may not. Issa, let us begin.

1. Do four towns in one day

Nice, Èze, Monaco and Menton before dinner. Of course, pichoun. Add Saint-Tropez while you are at it. By evening you will mainly know train platforms, car parks and the exact time. Dégun is giving you a medal.

2. Reach the beach at 2 pm in August

The sea will be there. So will everybody else. All of them. Then you will stare at the beach as if 4,000 people organised this against you. Hu. They simply had the same idea, niocou.

3. Rent a car automatically

For the hills, fine. Nice to Monaco at 6 pm in August because Google Maps says 32 minutes? That, gari, is a cagade. The train exists. Underground car parks are not a World Heritage collection.

4. Pick a restaurant because it sees the sea

The Mediterranean is beautiful. It still does not work in the kitchen. If the fish is bad, a table 50 cm from the water will not resurrect it. Mèfi: menus with more pages than your passport.

5. Book a hotel without checking the station

Everybody wants sea view, balcony and Old Nice five minutes away, then turns ratchou at the price. Pick the neighbourhood before the decorative cushion. Your Chanel bag will survive the tram.

6. Believe a “secret place” is still secret

If it has 2,800 reviews, three drone videos and a queue, it is not secret anymore. It is a public address with ficanas still whispering the name.

7. Optimise every minute

If your schedule resembles a European summit, you are already empégué by your own spreadsheet. Remove two things, sit down, drink a coffee and stop trying to monetise every minute. You are on bloody holiday.